I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
