Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
