you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
