I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
