my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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