some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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