I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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