Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
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