hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
