Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
