alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
