i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
