His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
