Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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