I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
