I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
