I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
