I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
