How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Randomize
