$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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