Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
