Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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