Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
