There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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