i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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