I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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