i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
