i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
