Jerry, you need to find god
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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