She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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