I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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