It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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