You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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