My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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