I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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