that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
