my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
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the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.