Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I think im going to throw up on grandma
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Randomize
