proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
