A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
