I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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