I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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