Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
