exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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