I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
