Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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