fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
