His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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