I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
