grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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