my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
