me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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