And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
