After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
