Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
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Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
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Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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