I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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