I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
