I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
