remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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